Jokes to make the day pass!

DLJJ3399 · 08-18-2006, 05:39 PM

I'm bored at work. Here's some jokes to make the day go faster!

Train Ride
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find
themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Jackass
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

LITTLE BILLY ON GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.

It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

ANAL GLAUCOMA
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that

she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

READING TEST
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdgnieg

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

Last but not least...

Blonde joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me?"

"I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed................"

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Have a good afternoon!

BE.EM.VU. · 08-18-2006, 05:57 PM

Brave man jokes

********************************
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,

fatty."

********************************

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is

lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

********************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.

I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for

free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want

to see how you live on $800 a year".

*********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2

litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a

head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g

pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at

her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her

selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

dejav0o · 08-18-2006, 05:58 PM

HAHA... thanks!

BE.EM.VU. · 08-18-2006, 06:03 PM

True Canadian Joke

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

BE.EM.VU. · 08-18-2006, 06:08 PM

Subject: Fw: tattoo
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you
get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said
proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her
head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar
bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can
stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital.

DLJJ3399 · 08-18-2006, 07:10 PM

Too funny!!!

just4kickz · 08-18-2006, 07:40 PM

geez... brilliant!

MB330 · 08-25-2006, 07:17 PM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

MB330 · 09-02-2006, 07:00 AM

MB330 · 09-02-2006, 07:22 AM

Oops......???!!!

SoYank · 09-02-2006, 09:31 AM

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survifors of a terrible shipwreck. The found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

BMW320i · 09-05-2006, 03:01 AM

thanks 4 the jokes guys

snd special thanks 2 DLJJ3399 for starting the thread

knight · 09-05-2006, 03:18 AM

how about riddles?

It's there, and when you call is it's gone. What is it?

I soar without wings, I see without eyes.
I've traveled the universe to and fro.
I've conquered the world, yet I've never been anywhere but home.
Who am I?

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

What falls but never breaks?
What breaks but never falls?

There is a common English word that is seven letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains a common English word - from seven letters right on down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing a letter at a time?

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr. Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward." The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

SoYank · 09-05-2006, 12:49 PM

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