Multiple Deaths in family, how I haven’t grieved (yet)

F30lolz · 03-21-2019, 06:51 PM

December 2015, my grandmother on my fathers side passed away due to health reasons.

October 2017, my grandmother on my mothers side passed away due to a toothache and that she was allergic to a medication.

July 2018 my cousin (42) was murdered by her bf who pushed her in front of a subway train in Brooklyn IIRC and the coward took his own life as well.

December 2018 my aunt who taught me how to drive stick in a then new 96 Eclipse passed away after feeling ill, went to the hospital and passed away. Only mid 60’s.

February 2019 my stepgrandfather (mother’s side) passed away due to health reasons.

Also my wife has lost her mother October 2015 and her uncle November 2016.

I have not grieved over the loss of my family members and cannot figure out why. Maybe I still cannot comprehend it or I am just avoiding grieving. Has anyone dealt with similar experiences?

Grumpy Old Man · 03-21-2019, 06:57 PM

Everyone experiences grief differently. You have lost a number of people in your life but depending on how close you were to them it may not have had a big effect on you. I've seen lots of people who have lost people who were very close to them, and like I said people experience grief differently and you can't predict what it looks like. If you think that your response is something that you should be concerned about then talk to someone, you could start with a grief councillor.

UncleWede · 03-21-2019, 07:01 PM

How have you grieved over other people? Are you expecting that you should have broken down, cried, threw a fit, and got drunk out your skull, but just not for these?

How close were you to these people, actually? Yeah, one taught you to drive stick way back in the 1900s, but how often did you see her once you had your own wheels??

My mom, God rest her soul, passed away last February. 2 of my brothers are still so torn up they can't sleep, can't move on. The other bro and I had our time of mourning, but moved on. I've had that vision of my mom in heaven, no pain, happily waiting for us to get there. Every now and then a tear wells up (like now) but its for myself, not for her.

****** · 03-21-2019, 07:11 PM

Yeah, what Wede said... I’m guessing you weren’t really really close to any of them, I could be wrong. I didn’t feel all that much, I hate to say, when my grandparents passed away, even though I liked them a lot. Same with aunts and uncles. Sorry to see them go, but.... life goes on... don’t beat yourself up, Fizoli...

King Rudi · 03-22-2019, 11:43 AM

The first person to die that truly affected me was my grandmother. She and I were very close. It physically made me sick and I had a very difficult time with it. After a few days I seemed to acclimate to the situation and felt better that she was free of her cancerous meat suit and was no longer in pain.

When my father died it was a completely different experience. It was suicide and there was no note. He had been diagnosed with cancer the year before but had surgery and had it removed. He had also undergone a traumatic experience 2 months prior to his death and I feel this was the deciding factor. Without explanation or closure of why he chose to end his life, this caused a great deal of mixed emotions while trying to move on. This process took well over a year of therapy, medications and a lot of alone time trying to mentally process. Ultimately what helped I don't feel is a topic for conversation in this thread but eventually I did come to find peace with it.

As stated above, everyone grieves differently. I can't help but feel that maybe you are suppressing those emotions for one reason or another. At the end of the day as long as you aren't emotionally upset by any of it, especially concerning the fact that you haven't grieved, I wouldn't allow it to bother me too much. The post you have made inquiring does make me think that it bothers you that you haven't grieved. With this being the case I would be more concerned with these things compounding and hitting you all at once when you least expect it.

Might not be a bad idea to seek a small amount of counseling over it. It would beneficial to process and understand why you either won't or can't grieve versus it hitting you out of the blue. The human psyche is fragile thing and depression is no joke once it hits you. It takes a very mentally astute individual to overcome it whether it be on their own, with therapy or meds (which I do not recommend).

As stated on a video that I recently watched concerning anti-depressants. "Using medication to cure depression is like playing darts with something you assume is a dart in a dark room where there may or may not be a dartboard present."

Good luck and I hope for a positive outcome.

TXSTYLE · 03-22-2019, 12:37 PM

I am sorry for your losses...

Germanauto · 03-22-2019, 02:07 PM

I was close to my paternal grandparents growing up but they moved back to the homeland when I was in 7th grade. Grandfather passed 3 yrs later and grandmother passed 10 yrs later. I also wondered why I didn't get too emotional about it.

My other grandfather passed when I was in college and that did hit me. He used to visit every year.

I think it just comes down to how close you were with said individual.

N54Yankee · 03-22-2019, 03:18 PM

Damn, that's a real bad run in your family. Sorry to hear.
I remember your cousins murder on the local news here, absolutely horrific.
Don't have any advice to offer because I just don't know what would help but I guess you talking about it and getting if off your chest should be good. Hang in there.

Ross61 · 03-24-2019, 11:13 PM

without death, life would has no meaning.

If a person lived forever, they would, eventually, accomplish anything.

UncleWede · 03-25-2019, 11:40 AM

F30lolz at least appreciate a post so we know you are still with us.

no homo

F30lolz · 03-26-2019, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UncleWede

F30lolz at least appreciate a post so we know you are still with us.

no homo

Sorry guys, been extremely busy with some ‘stuff’. I’ll report back later today with all your questions. I appreciate everyone’s feedback/concerns.

UncleWede, wanna know how I know you’re ghey?

King Rudi · 03-26-2019, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by F30lolz

Sorry guys, been extremely busy with some ‘stuff’. I’ll report back later today with all your questions. I appreciate everyone’s feedback/concerns.

UncleWede, wanna know how I know you’re ghey?

I wanna know how you know......you know, so we'll all know.

UncleWede · 03-26-2019, 11:29 AM

Yeah, inquiring minds want to know.

Good to see you back in the hood

kscarrol · 03-26-2019, 01:00 PM

I found a picture of UncleWede... I'll assume it was for Halloween!

UncleWede · 03-26-2019, 01:05 PM

Sword is a little short, don't you think???

kscarrol · 03-26-2019, 01:13 PM

I don't judge man...

UncleWede · 03-26-2019, 02:40 PM

with the correct amount of insulin, I could EASILY resemble that pic

kscarrol · 03-26-2019, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UncleWede

with the correct amount of insulin, I could EASILY resemble that pic

I know what you mean!!

F30lolz · 03-26-2019, 08:14 PM

I appreciate the responses from everyone here.

I was very close to my grandmother on my fathers side as she lived in Upstate NY when I lived in Queens growing up and eventually I moved to the same town she was in, Beacon, NY when I was 16 until I was 34 years old. She was the typical grandmother, cooked well, always asked how was school, girls (lol), money in cards, etc... Heck, I remember when she bought me a Coleco Vision way back in the early 80’s.

My grandmother on my mothers side and I were close but mainly when I was on vacation in FL when I was younger. She would take me out to the beach, shopping and movies. Since I’ve moved here back in 2013 I’ve maybe seen her a handful of times and yes, my fault.

Her husband, my step-grandfather, same situation.

My aunt and I werent ‘close’ but I cherished every time I was with her and my uncle. They owned a few restaurants in the Boca Raton area at separate times and loved eating there as she was the head chef at each one. She was a big car enthusiast and love driving anything with a manual. Last time I saw her was maybe 2011 as they were about to move to Lima, Peru and she had a e93 328i/6. Very charming woman who was very caring.

Lastly, my cousin Cynthia and I were very close growing up as I was always over her house growing up playing Coleco, Nintendo, watching TV, playing with her neighborhood friends and such. She was a bad girl though. Sneaking out of the house at nights to meet guys, lol. Truth to be told, she was a problem child and I saw so much stuff. I’ve always worried about her that she’ll end up with the wrong crowd and unfortunately it got her killed. As I got older we lost contact but the last time I saw her was around 2008.

IMHO, maybe I’m just blocking everything. Maybe I just don’t know how to deal with it. Haven’t cried at all for anyone, though maybe I should try? Not at this moment, though.

WestRace · 03-27-2019, 02:52 AM

I am surprised why OP not "dead" yet lols.

floridaorange · 03-27-2019, 04:58 AM

www.griefshare.org

Helped my Mom a lot when she lost her Mom from a surgery she didn't make it out of alive several yrs back. Wishing you the best of luck.

Rhidium · 04-04-2019, 02:20 AM

People grieve differently.

My experience was me being frustrated for not being able to grieve the passing of my mom. My mom died a month before the birth of my first newborn baby. I was too busy to grieve and I had a new bundle of joy. Many years after, and looking back, I could see I became very impatient and I'll tempered. I felt angry but didn't know why at the time. It wasn't healthy, but I got through it and much better after I realized I was acting out.

I'm really sorry for your loses. I do hope you can find some avenue to grieve. Even speaking out on a forum is a start..

03-21-2019, 06:57 PM	#2
Grumpy Old Man Lieutenant Colonel 6470 Rep 1,966 Posts Drives: Porsche 993, 2015 MB GLK Join Date: Sep 2018 Location: Niagara on the Lake iTrader: (0)	Everyone experiences grief differently. You have lost a number of people in your life but depending on how close you were to them it may not have had a big effect on you. I've seen lots of people who have lost people who were very close to them, and like I said people experience grief differently and you can't predict what it looks like. If you think that your response is something that you should be concerned about then talk to someone, you could start with a grief councillor.
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03-21-2019, 07:01 PM	#3
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 18525 Rep 9,432 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	How have you grieved over other people? Are you expecting that you should have broken down, cried, threw a fit, and got drunk out your skull, but just not for these? How close were you to these people, actually? Yeah, one taught you to drive stick way back in the 1900s, but how often did you see her once you had your own wheels?? My mom, God rest her soul, passed away last February. 2 of my brothers are still so torn up they can't sleep, can't move on. The other bro and I had our time of mourning, but moved on. I've had that vision of my mom in heaven, no pain, happily waiting for us to get there. Every now and then a tear wells up (like now) but its for myself, not for her.
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03-21-2019, 07:11 PM	#4
****** Banned 2084 Rep 1,688 Posts Drives: 2019 X5 Msport Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Greenville, SC iTrader: (0)	Yeah, what Wede said... I’m guessing you weren’t really really close to any of them, I could be wrong. I didn’t feel all that much, I hate to say, when my grandparents passed away, even though I liked them a lot. Same with aunts and uncles. Sorry to see them go, but.... life goes on... don’t beat yourself up, Fizoli...
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03-22-2019, 11:43 AM	#5
King Rudi Lieutenant Colonel 13077 Rep 1,965 Posts Drives: Meat Suit Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Planet Earth iTrader: (0)	The first person to die that truly affected me was my grandmother. She and I were very close. It physically made me sick and I had a very difficult time with it. After a few days I seemed to acclimate to the situation and felt better that she was free of her cancerous meat suit and was no longer in pain. When my father died it was a completely different experience. It was suicide and there was no note. He had been diagnosed with cancer the year before but had surgery and had it removed. He had also undergone a traumatic experience 2 months prior to his death and I feel this was the deciding factor. Without explanation or closure of why he chose to end his life, this caused a great deal of mixed emotions while trying to move on. This process took well over a year of therapy, medications and a lot of alone time trying to mentally process. Ultimately what helped I don't feel is a topic for conversation in this thread but eventually I did come to find peace with it. As stated above, everyone grieves differently. I can't help but feel that maybe you are suppressing those emotions for one reason or another. At the end of the day as long as you aren't emotionally upset by any of it, especially concerning the fact that you haven't grieved, I wouldn't allow it to bother me too much. The post you have made inquiring does make me think that it bothers you that you haven't grieved. With this being the case I would be more concerned with these things compounding and hitting you all at once when you least expect it. Might not be a bad idea to seek a small amount of counseling over it. It would beneficial to process and understand why you either won't or can't grieve versus it hitting you out of the blue. The human psyche is fragile thing and depression is no joke once it hits you. It takes a very mentally astute individual to overcome it whether it be on their own, with therapy or meds (which I do not recommend). As stated on a video that I recently watched concerning anti-depressants. "Using medication to cure depression is like playing darts with something you assume is a dart in a dark room where there may or may not be a dartboard present." Good luck and I hope for a positive outcome.
	Appreciate 1 F30lolz6810.00 Quote

03-22-2019, 12:37 PM	#6
TXSTYLE "Salud" 15252 Rep 4,971 Posts Drives: M8 Gran Coupe Comp & X5M Comp Join Date: May 2013 Location: The GYM! (The Burbs - N TX) iTrader: (0)	I am sorry for your losses... __________________
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03-22-2019, 02:07 PM	#7
Germanauto Major General 9849 Rep 6,147 Posts Drives: Alfa Romeo Giulia, Rosso Join Date: Jul 2016 Location: LA iTrader: (0)	I was close to my paternal grandparents growing up but they moved back to the homeland when I was in 7th grade. Grandfather passed 3 yrs later and grandmother passed 10 yrs later. I also wondered why I didn't get too emotional about it. My other grandfather passed when I was in college and that did hit me. He used to visit every year. I think it just comes down to how close you were with said individual.
	Appreciate 1 F30lolz6810.00 Quote

03-22-2019, 03:18 PM	#8
N54Yankee Lieutenant Colonel 2708 Rep 1,916 Posts Drives: N54 135\|Cobb\|M3 control arms Join Date: Sep 2018 Location: USA iTrader: (0)	Damn, that's a real bad run in your family. Sorry to hear. I remember your cousins murder on the local news here, absolutely horrific. Don't have any advice to offer because I just don't know what would help but I guess you talking about it and getting if off your chest should be good. Hang in there. __________________ __________________ "The Constitution was never construed to authorize Congress to infringe the just liberty of the press, or the rights of conscience; or to prevent the people of the United States, who are peaceable citizens, from keeping their own arms.” Samuel Adams
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03-24-2019, 11:13 PM	#9
Ross61 Private 72 Rep 71 Posts Drives: 2004 GTO (soon to be an M4) Join Date: Sep 2014 Location: A Place that Begins with "W" iTrader: (0)	without death, life would has no meaning. If a person lived forever, they would, eventually, accomplish anything.
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03-25-2019, 11:40 AM	#10
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 18525 Rep 9,432 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	F30lolz at least appreciate a post so we know you are still with us. no homo
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03-26-2019, 11:29 AM	#13
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 18525 Rep 9,432 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	Yeah, inquiring minds want to know. Good to see you back in the hood
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03-26-2019, 01:00 PM	#14
kscarrol Brigadier General 9766 Rep 4,136 Posts Drives: 2021 X3 M40i, 1974 2002 Tii Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Greenville, SC iTrader: (0)	I found a picture of UncleWede... I'll assume it was for Halloween! Attached Images __________________ 2021 X3 M40i 1974 2002tii, Inka, 5 sp manual BMWCCA # 327475
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03-26-2019, 01:05 PM	#15
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 18525 Rep 9,432 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	Sword is a little short, don't you think???
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03-26-2019, 01:13 PM	#16
kscarrol Brigadier General 9766 Rep 4,136 Posts Drives: 2021 X3 M40i, 1974 2002 Tii Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Greenville, SC iTrader: (0)	I don't judge man... __________________ 2021 X3 M40i 1974 2002tii, Inka, 5 sp manual BMWCCA # 327475
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03-26-2019, 02:40 PM	#17
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 18525 Rep 9,432 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	with the correct amount of insulin, I could EASILY resemble that pic
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03-27-2019, 02:52 AM	#20
WestRace Major 738 Rep 1,087 Posts Drives: E46 M3, E90 M3 Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Los Angels, Ca. iTrader: (0)	I am surprised why OP not "dead" yet lols.
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04-04-2019, 02:20 AM	#22
Rhidium Lieutenant 285 Rep 427 Posts Drives: 2019 BMW X3 Join Date: Dec 2018 Location: WA iTrader: (0)	People grieve differently. My experience was me being frustrated for not being able to grieve the passing of my mom. My mom died a month before the birth of my first newborn baby. I was too busy to grieve and I had a new bundle of joy. Many years after, and looking back, I could see I became very impatient and I'll tempered. I felt angry but didn't know why at the time. It wasn't healthy, but I got through it and much better after I realized I was acting out. I'm really sorry for your loses. I do hope you can find some avenue to grieve. Even speaking out on a forum is a start..
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