[******]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[SakhirM4]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[dreamingat30fps]

Guy sees ad on TV for a weight loss program guaranteed to make you lose 5lbs in a week. He decides to give it a shot. The next day after signing up he gets a knock on the door. He find a beautiful woman at the door wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign that said "If you catch me I'm yours". Every day the same woman would show up but no matter how hard he tried he could never catch her. After a week he had lost 5lbs.

Excited with his progress he calls the weight loss company again and signs up for their 10lbs week program. The next day theres a knock on the door. He opens the door to find the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign that said "If you catch me I'm yours". However this one is even faster and again he's never able to catch her, but after a week he lost 10lbs and was feeling great!

So he calls the company again and asks for their best program. They recommend their 20lbs a week option. However they warn the guy that this is an expert level program only for people in top physical condition. The guy says he's doing great with the previous programs and he knows he can handle it.

The next day there is a knock on the door. He opens the door to find this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign that said "If I catch you you're mine!"

[Dang3r]

Once I got pulled over while I was riding my motorcycle.

I stayed seated onto it while a very young and obviously nervous cop came up and ask, if I could get out of it.
After a mild smile I reask him, if its not enough if I just lowering the sidewindow...

[Darth One]

What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea?

Well, I've never had a garbanzo on my chest...

[MKSixer]

From one vampire to another:

Why do tampons have strings?

So I can make my cup of tea.

[Darth One]

Originally Posted by Run Silent

So this is less of a joke and more of a funny story...

I ran into another submariner the other day and it was fun to watch everyone freak out when they realize how batshit crazy we actually are.

Sitting at a CPE event for professional continuing education and talking to a guy next to me. Guy straight up asks me id I was a submariner. I asked how he could tell.

His reply was gold, "I thought I saw your picture on the wall in your mom's bedroom last night."

The whole row of seats (all professionals) gets quiet, where you could hear a mouse fart. My coworkers are appalled, thinking there is going to be some sort of fight or something. I busted out laughing and asked him what boat he was on...

Later had some coffee with him and shot the shit, but damn I had a hell of time explaining to everyone that this was normal and not to worry.

Do you submariners like submarines because they’re long, hard and full of seamen?

[Run Silent]

Originally Posted by Darth One

Do you submariners like submarines because they’re long, hard and full of seamen?

We like them better because they are long, hard, and BLACK and full of seamen. You know what they say, 100 sailors go down.....50 couples come back up. It ain't gay when it's underway.


also....

1) Two Marines are walking down the street when one of them spots a dog licking himself. One Marine says to the other, "man, I wish I could do that." To which the other Marine replies, "no, you better not. That dog might bite you!"

2) The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker among themselves is because they don't speak the same language. For instance, here's what happens after they secure a building. The Army will post guards around the building. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock all the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and then set up headquarters. The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy at the end.

3) A senior chief, when addressing his 25 sailors, says, "I have an easy job for the laziest man here. Put your hand up if you are indeed the laziest." Almost immediately, 24 men raise their hands. The senior chief asks the other man, "why didn't you raise your hand?" The sailor replies, "because it was too much trouble, senior chief."

[blau iii]

Originally Posted by Darth One

What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea?

Well, I've never had a chickpea on my chest...

I think you have that backwards... "I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face"..

[Darth One]

Originally Posted by blau iii

I think you have that backwards... "I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face"..

Haha, you’re totally right. I am the dum dumbs. Edited it

[Maynard]

When the topic of death and dying comes up and I'm not in the mood to be serious, I will say that I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, rather than screaming in terror like the other people in his car. Figured we needed a real car joke for this thread.

[Run Silent]

Originally Posted by Maynard

When the topic of death and dying comes up and I'm not in the mood to be serious, I will say that I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, rather than screaming in terror like the other people in his car. Figured we needed a real car joke for this thread.

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer

[UncleWede]

Speaking of Cougars, do you know what 70yo pu$$y tastes like?




Depends

[Run Silent]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Speaking of Cougars, do you know what 70yo pu$$y tastes like?




Depends

[MKSixer]

Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after eating...

[UncleWede]

What do you call a lawyer's boat that sinks to the bottom of the ocean with 3 of his lawyer-buddies on board?


A start


(My dad, a lawyer, thinks this is the best joke EVER)

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by Run Silent

Jeremy taught me that when he drove me around, it push comes to shove on CA vs. Texas purchase

[Run Silent]

Originally Posted by MKSixer

Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after eating...

Ahhh..... I didn't realize we were going down that road. I raise you, sir.

---

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away. After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me." The man looked surprised as the woman was quite attractive and asked "Why would he leave you?" The woman replied, "He said I was too kinky in the bedroom." Immediately the man's eyes lit up in shock at her answer. "My wife actually just left me for the same reason," he told her, and it was the truth.

The two of them get to talking and eventually she invites the man to her home. They enter her bedroom, and the woman instructs the man to take a seat on the bed, that she is going to 'get ready' in the other room. The woman proceeds to attire herself in a leather corset, complete with whip, chains, and ballgag. She heads to the pantry and grabs a bottle of whipped cream and some Tabasco sauce.

The woman then reenters the bedroom to see the man putting on his coat about to walk out the door. The woman exclaims, "What's the matter? I thought you were kinky!" to which the man replied, "Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse, I'm done here."

[UncleWede]

Teens are getting frisky in her bedroom when they hear Mom return home. "Quick, hide in my closet. Mom can't find you here. I'll tell you when the coast is clear."

after about 10 minutes, door opens quickly and she tosses something in
hours go by, and she repeats that
Next morning, she finally opens doors and lets him out, mom has gone to work.

"I never would have survived if you didn't throw those jelly donuts in, but what do I do with the string?"

[Maynard]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

What do you call a lawyer's boat that sinks to the bottom of the ocean with 3 of his lawyer-buddies on board?


A start


(My dad, a lawyer, thinks this is the best joke EVER)

Love those lawyer jokes (did a year pre law before I sobered up, and collected quite a few), my fav:

When I was working in clinical research I found out s/t kind of interesting - they are now using lawyers as subjects in a lot of the experiments that they used to run on the lab rats. It seems that the research assistants don't get as attached to the lawyers, but the real benefit is that there are some things you just can't get a rat to do....

[Dogeeseegod]

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in old dirty sleeping bags!

[MKSixer]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a cockroach?

One is a sewage dwelling, disease spreading, disgusting thing that will survive nuclear winter and outlive mankind and the other is an insect.