[Buug959]

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn.

He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun.

The animal control employee tells the man,

“I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck.”

The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?”

The animal control employee says,

“Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.”

[Esteban]

What's the difference between a dirty transit hub and a lobster who's had plastic surgery?

One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean

[wizardofOz]

Why did the woman driver bring a map on her road trip?



To give the GPS a break!

[Buug959]

Little Johnny was late for school.

The teacher asked him why, and Little Johnny explained it was because he met a man who had lost his wallet on the street.

“Ah,” nodded the teacher,

“you were helping him find it!”

“Um, not really,” said Johnny,

“but I had to keep standing on it until he would give up and go away.”

[wizardofOz]

At a Christmas party, a woman told off her husband saying, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

Her husband shrugged and answered “Why should it? I keep telling them it’s for you.”

[Buug959]

What's the difference between your job and your wife?




Your job will still suck after five years.

[Buug959]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”

The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?”

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

[Buug959]

SD

[3.0L]

So l was at Walmart earlier A lady was looking at frozen turkeys, but
she couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, "do these
turkeys get any bigger?" He replied with a straight face, "No ma'am,
they're dead."

[Esteban]

While digging in the garden, I found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

[Llarry]

For those men of a certain age who are getting pressure from their parents to "settle down", there's this:

[Esteban]

A man went to see his doctor, and the doctor said, “I have some bad news and some worse news.” The man asked for the bad news first, and the doctor replied, “You have only 24 hours to live.” Gutted, the man said, “That’s terrible! Wait a minute—what’s the worse news?” The doctor responded, “I should have told you yesterday.”

[Esteban]

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so."

"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand-new. It's going to last a long time. I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

[3.0L]

Wife: “If I die first, will you remarry?”

Husband: “No.”

Wife: “What’s the matter, don’t you like being married?!!!”

Husband: “Well, yeah, I would remarry.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?! And who do you have in mind?!”

[wizardofOz]

A husband was talking to a potential car buyer when his wife overhears him:

"Ok, so she’s a little old and getting uglier by the day but she starts.."

Car buyer asks:
"You mean you push her button and she starts?"

Husbands' wife interrupts:
"Excuse me?!"

Husband replies:
"What?? Yep she is loaded, you wanna look under the hood too?"

[3.0L]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:

Moved to Wisconsin this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???

-Author Unknown

[flybigjet]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:

Moved to Wisconsin this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???

-Author Unknown

Considering my father's family is from the very, very, VERY NW tip of Wisconsin (near Hurley-- right where it slams into the very SW tip of the UP) and my mother's family was from Ironwood (right across the river from Hurley)--

I can say this is truer than you will ever, EVER know unless you've lived there.

My mother and I lived up there for a year while my dad was in Viet Nam. I have a picture somewhere of me as a little kid (~4 years old) standing NEXT TO a basketball hoop because the snow was so deep.

And, when I was older and went back there for Christmas, I distinctly remember having to crawl out of the SECOND STORY window to get out of the house as the front and back door were literally buried in snowdrifts.

Once we got out, it took the better part of a day to forge a path from the street to the door-- and then shovel for hours to actually be able to find and get through the door.

It's **frelling** cold up there. There's a reason that my grandfather always had oil heaters in his house-- they'd work when it was -30 to -40F (and no, that's NOT a typo.)

It's beautiful in the spring and summer (if remote, isolated and woodsy is your thing), but it can pretty much be hell on earth in the winter.

It's the only place I've ever seen where an ENTIRE bar parking lot was full of snowmobiles instead of trucks on Green Bay Game Day.

R.

[Esteban]

The past, present, and future all walked into a bar…

…it was tense.

[dfer]

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had beeu having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line, If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,

John


- Forwarded by Steve Sanderson,
Gilbert, S.C.

[3.0L]

So I was thinking of baking cookies for everyone at work tomorrow and I
need to double the recipe to have enough but if I double the temperature
my oven won't set to 800.

[Esteban]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said "and what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied "well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

[Buug959]

Cough

Rough

Though

Through

Why don't these words rhyme but for some god forsaken reason pony and bologna do?