[kscarrol]

Lups, very sad to hear your experience. I will say the experience with parking tickets kept jumping out at me... You did your best but this is a team effort and it seems like you didn't have much a team helping you out.

There is no nice way to watch a parent die. I hate to say this but I would almost rather have had my dad die suddenly; heart attack, accident etc than watch the spiral downward.

Edit: And love me some Misfits! This thread is driving me to drink, first scotch down...

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by kscarrol

This thread is driving me to drink, first scotch down...

Be careful, don't want you having a hypo

[Lups]

Originally Posted by kscarrol

Lups, very sad to hear your experience. I will say the experience with parking tickets kept jumping out at me... You did your best but this is a team effort and it seems like you didn't have much a team helping you out.

There is no nice way to watch a parent die. I hate to say this but I would almost rather have had my dad die suddenly; heart attack, accident etc than watch the spiral downward.

Edit: And love me some Misfits! This thread is driving me to drink, first scotch down...

I had an epic team, sadly none of my blood family joined it. Not then, not later.

I'm not saying i was easy to handle then, i had one goal, but enough about that.

I would've preferred that too. My living will is worded so that i will not be treated for cancer of any kind and that no accident is a reason to do life saving surgery on me if my youngest is 15 or above.

I opened a beer after I wrote that post. I'm now on my third. Let's celebrate life together. And we two know the real truth of life:

I'm actually sorry i wrote that post. It shows my true colors. I evicted a family, i blackmailed my own mother, i value parking tickets more than my blood relatives. I sure polish my image here as the pacifist of the forum with zero credibility from now on after that post .
My image won't get over this ever but thank coffee its so long nobody reads it.

[kscarrol]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Be careful, don't want you having a hypo

Too late, I'm feeling shaky and cranky!

[Lups]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Be careful, don't want you having a hypo

I will get a lot of hate for that post but i need to thank you for making me write it.

Let those near you know if you're having a hard time at any time, and say thanks to them if they can handle it better than you. Hug your family members and let them know you're suffering.

The post above was about 16 pages long at some point. I wanted to give a timeline for everyone, to make everyone understand exactly how easy going hippie I can be.

For sure, i have loved five adults in my life, and i have lost four of them. Some big losses makes you realize it is better to live and love, than never to love at all.

You want music too? I have an epic clip rolling now

[stealth70mde]

Wow UncleWede, dealing with and all the conflicting emotions is so f'n hard.

My dad passed away 2 years ago.
He was my distant hero when I was a kid and teen years but it kind of fell apart during adulthood.
I say distant as he left my mom and I when I was 4 years old but saw him every 1-2 weeks during the weekends.

As an adult, I would see him 2-3 times a year. My now ex-wife and girlfriends afterwards would really need to force me to go to these gatherings...
In the end I always ended up having a good time with him but it would completely drained me mentally as I was conflicted and always felt I was being too kind to him and just pretended that all was great between us.

I even tried to make our relationship better by flying him to the Canadian rockies for a week of golf, which was his thing. Was a good week overall but didn't really mend anything from my point of view.

There was about 25 years of this so-so relationship.
Then, we didn't talk or see each other for about 1.5 years over a stupid "you don't call me, I don't call you" kind of thing.

One day, out of the blue, I receive a phone call from his current wife telling me he had 2 strokes back to back, in a bad shape, but very lucid.
She also told me that while they did the MRI and other tests, they found a stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized in his bones.



One word: Flabbergasted.



Your reality just flips on its head in a millisecond, literally.

Long story short. From that diagnostic day, he lasted 66 days. I was there, by his side for most of these, still conflicted but having an open mind. Most important I was there with because I wanted to.

We had good talks, most were fun and easy, some pretty tough and hard but understanding each other's perspective. I think it was important for both of us to properly close the loop.

I remember driving back home from the hospital a few times screaming harder than I ever did, being deeply hurt and just feeling hopeless and lost, questioning absolutely everything.

I was there when he passed. I don't regret it.

Like I said at his eulogy, we had the privilege of having 66 short days to make up for 25 years of a broken father-son relationship. It was finite in time, we knew the finish line was very close and we made the most of it.

UncleWede, the floods and bursts of very strong emotions are not easy to deal with and you are in the worse part of it right now.

What's important, really, is to do what your heart is telling you to do. There is no instruction manual for what you are living now.

My experience after his passing was that after a short period of bliss (lots of positive emotions from family), all the negativity and anger towards him came back stronger for close to a year to eventually starting to slowly fade away.
As the negative started fading away, I surprised myself to remember nice memories of him and I during childhood and teenage years. Heck, even good memories of those dreaded party when I was an adult.

It took a long time but, after 2 years, I feel much more at peace with all of this and in general.

All this story to tell you to hang in there and just do what your heart tells you to do because the heart, without filter, never lies.

[Scout10]

Its a chilly subject for anyone.
Part of dealing with it is having a plan in place when the situation is upon you.
Any of us can die tomorrow . . . .
Death is inevitable . . . . time is the only variable.
Plan accordingly ! !

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Lups

I will get a lot of hate for that post but i need to thank you for making me write it.

True. I hate you. Less than I did before though.

That is a very tough decision, and I've seen the wounds that are opened when family turns against each other - the hurt is even stronger when it is someone you didn't expect, someone you thought would be there for you if you needed it, no questions asked. Thinking about your brother here, not your mother, sounds like she was a bit of a known quantity. I don't know that they'll ever heal - least in my family they haven't yet.

But you didn't kill your dad. And I'm speaking from a pro life and very religious view - as you well know, that's who I am. Effectively, I see it as a decision to remove life support - you aren't killing that person, you are just not prolonging misery. Where I do have a problem is doctor assisted suicide - that is different - it isn't a disease that is taking the person, it is drugs. It makes me fear that society will see aging as a disease and no value in the elderly in the future - that this is a step towards something much more scary. Though I still disagree with suicide in general - I don't believe it is the answer. As hard as the disease is and the fight, I believe that if it came to me, that there was a purpose for what I was going through - that perhaps someone would be touched by it for good, that there might be a change in their lives. And to take my own life would be to take that opportunity away.

But I digress, that's not what this was about. You were there for your dad - that's what matters. Not what your uncle, brother, mother think. Even though they are still here and therefore the pain may still be fresh. Be kind to them in spite of their actions if you can - that may be the hardest thing you ever do, but it also would make the biggest difference.

Thanks for sharing!

[bd307]

Do what your heart tells you, not your emotion/what I'd like to call it the brain.

Best wishes to you op.

[MFL]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Lups and Doc OC, I need some support.

My mom is nearing the end. She gave so much for us kids, working graveyard at the Post Office for almost 30 years. She's in bad shape, and I just HATE going over there now. My wife forces me, and she wants to spend all the last minutes with my mom. She's not the mom I remember, and I don't want those new memories of her in this state.

Sunday we went over, and she was in and out, rambling along whne she did perk up a bit. SERIOUSLY medicated, and my brother even asked me outside to discuss whether she was stroking out.

Like I told my grandfather years ago, I want to tell her it's OK to let go, go to your reward where there is no more pain.

Hey man, some advice. She was there for you during your time, be sure that she feels the love during this time. No matter how hard it is for you, rest assured that it's more difficult for her.

Best wishes!

[Lups]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

True. I hate you. Less than I did before though.

Thanks man for your comment. I wrote the religious to the start to warn you off since i am aware our views differ often, but I'm not exactly surprised you're a reasonable with your views (since this is not a milk matter). Logically i know you're right, i still wake up from nightmares because i made the call, held my ground. I should look for work as a contract killer, i would make epic money.

It is funny, it felt really good to write that all and I'm clearly handling the memories better again. I wrote a book on the whole thing for my kids as a guidance a few years back, but i deleted it since it wasn't even close to that post. My bitterness shouldn't be transferred to the next generation.

My mother even texted me today, and i answered her.

[UncleWede]

SO I'm noticing I can DO something for my mom, if she needs something. Cut her food into bite-sizes, fix/adjust the brake on her chair, help her in/out of the car. It's the "being there" that I have the hardest time with.

[Lups]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

SO I'm noticing I can DO something for my mom, if she needs something. Cut her food into bite-sizes, fix/adjust the brake on her chair, help her in/out of the car. It's the "being there" that I have the hardest time with.

You've read those spy novels where they beat the polygraph with a needle or a pin? I use that when i have to deal with my living family, maybe it could help you too but in a different way.

[wdb]

Just found this. It's really great that she has all of that family support and can stay in her home. You're doing what you can do; I doubt she'd have a bad word to say about that.

My folks are in their 90's. They're weakening and yep it's hard to see. After all I was a little kid and they picked me up and carried me around! But over the past few years I've spent a lot of time in hospitals visiting them rather than seeing them at home. They still have each other which is huge at their age. I count my blessings.

[zx10guy]

All I can say is I feel for you. I was very young when my dad passed away from a terminal illness. One of the regrets I have was not knowing anything about hospice. Had I known about hospice, I would have used it to make my dad's remaining time more comfortable. No one on the car staff or doctor's even mentioned hospice to us.

I also have the unenviable situation where I may have to consider my own hospice at a very early age plus all the baggage being Catholic has with end of life decisions.

[The Wind Breezes]

I believe in the right to suicide / assisted suicide. I've seen plenty of what can happen when people are "gone" but still take a long time to die. NOBODY benefits.

[kscarrol]

Originally Posted by zx10guy

I also have the unenviable situation where I may have to consider my own hospice at a very early age plus all the baggage being Catholic has with end of life decisions.

Not to hijack the thread but ! I hope this is not the case.

[Lups]

Originally Posted by The Wind Breezes

I believe in the right to suicide / assisted suicide. I've seen plenty of what can happen when people are "gone" but still take a long time to die. NOBODY benefits.

I believe in it too, but from personal experience I can tell you, even if the patient has made a living will in writing, the aftermath can be horrible.

[zx10guy]

Originally Posted by kscarrol

Not to hijack the thread but ! I hope this is not the case.

Thank you. Not sure what's happening at the moment. When you've gone through not one but two cancer situations, it really distorts your sense of reality. The first time I was diagnosed a few years ago, I had to deal with making decisions on whether to continue with our marriage plans, fertility planning, all the medical crap with surgery and chemo, and estate planning. This was all condensed over a few months. I had never had any major issues, never have had any surgery of any kind except oral and have been very physically active all my life. Oh and I worked the entire time.

Second time was last summer and now we're doing a wait and see because a test has been coming back abnormal.

So yeah, having to deal with the death of my father with me being very young and my father being relatively young, now I'm dealing with health issues where I may not even see the age my father did. I haven't had the most pleasant of life experiences.

[evoix]

sorry to hear. I work in a hospital that has a hospice unit and i know its hard to see her like that. But spend as much time as you can with her. Sorry again brother

[Lups]

Originally Posted by zx10guy

Thank you. Not sure what's happening at the moment. When you've gone through not one but two cancer situations, it really distorts your sense of reality. The first time I was diagnosed a few years ago, I had to deal with making decisions on whether to continue with our marriage plans, fertility planning, all the medical crap with surgery and chemo, and estate planning. This was all condensed over a few months. I had never had any major issues, never have had any surgery of any kind except oral and have been very physically active all my life. Oh and I worked the entire time.

Second time was last summer and now we're doing a wait and see because a test has been coming back abnormal.

So yeah, having to deal with the death of my father with me being very young and my father being relatively young, now I'm dealing with health issues where I may not even see the age my father did. I haven't had the most pleasant of life experiences.

Thank you for writing this. Let's hope all goes well, and please keep sharing. It's important to share also the hard parts of life.

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by zx10guy

where I may not even see the age my father did. I haven't had the most pleasant of life experiences.

I was SURE, a few years after my diabetes diagnosis, that I would never see 55. Damn, I better get into the hospice soon if that investment is going to reap benefits.

I do realize diabetes had nothing to equal cancer, either in fear or real experiences. I still remember that fear my 13yo brother had of chemo. I drove him in one day, and he puked on the way down to the treatment center. When I asked why he was sick, he said it was just the thought of the upcoming treatment.

We shouldn't have to tell you, of all people, to live each day to the fullest.