[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

...are you saying it was a o-hm experience? Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Well..I was listening to AC/DC at the time.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

...are you saying it was a o-hm experience? Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Resistance is futile.....





.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

Resistance is futile.....





.

Watt did you say? I current hear you.

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

Watt did you say? I current hear you.

I remember the high school version of that one. 😳

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

I remember the high school version of that one. 😳

I remember it too, but I didn't want to get electrocuted by the moderator.

[Llarry]

mi vs km

[3.0L]

The first engineer says "He'd be a mechanical engineer. Think about all the bones in the human body and well they work together."

The second engineer says "Well, God was most likely an electrical engineer. Consider the human brain and the complexity of the nervous system."

The third engineer says "Obviously He was a civil engineer. Who else would
put a playground next to a toxic waste dump?”

[Esteban]

A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary and are heading up to bed for some twentieth anniversary maritals.

On the way up the stairs the woman glances at the pictures of their children and thinks about how much she loves her life. Once they get to the bedroom the man turns off the light and they get down to business.

Mid-coitus the woman realizes that in the twenty years she's been married (and the four they dated) she has never seen her husband fully naked. Perplexed by her realization, she uses a lull in the ploughing to turn the lamp on.

Click!

The man is wearing a strap-on dildo. The two freeze, sharing a strangely intimate moment of shock and confusion. Finally the man clears his throat.

"I'll explain the toy if you explain our kids."

Click!

[Buug959]

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says:

All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear.

“Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.

The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies:

Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies: “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!”

[JeffL0]

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.
The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle.
In a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied....

"The balcony."

[3.0L]

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them
to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told
them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to
tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No,
No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher
again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up
word."

Then the teacher asked little Johnny what he did during the summer.
He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had
read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, “ Winnie the
shit!”

[CamasM3e93]

Hey do you guys know what an auto enthusiast calls their garage????


The brake room.

[Buug959]

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What?! There’s no pool here?”

Long pause… “Uh …. is this 832-4821?”

[Llarry]

I'm sick with disappointment. I just found out that there's no popcorn in popcorn shrimp!

[M5Rick]

What is it when one butcher spies on another butcher.
A steak out.

[Buug959]

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.

He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy w!llow.”

Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

[3.0L]

So let me get this straight. I go to To the grocery store and buy a lb.of sliced ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, a gallon of milk in a plastic jug, a pack of napkins wrapped in plastic, a Greek salad in a plastic container, a plastic bottle of mustard and a plastic bottle of ketchup, and they won't give me a plastic bag to carry it home because the plastic bag is bad
for the environment?

[Esteban]

My grandfather says to me, he goes, "when I was a boy you could walk into a grocery store with two dollars in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, even a little butter!"

He says, "but now, these days, too many damn cameras."

[3.0L]

Two drunks are sitting on a curb, in front of a bar.

Drunk #1: “Hey man, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

Drunk #2: “Yeah.”

Drunk #1: “Man, I’ll bet that hurt.”

[GarySL]

You can't convict a murder of crows without due caws.

[Buug959]

What do bacon and women have in common?




They smell amazing, taste delicious and they will kill you slowly over time.

[Buug959]

A wife calls her husband into the room and says, "I have some bad news. My gynaecologist says we can't do it for six weeks."

The husband is quite upset by this news. He says, "That is bad news... terrible news in fact." He thought for a minute and then his face lit up. He asked his wife, "What did your dentist say?"