[JMcLellan]

What's the difference between hungry and horny?


Where you put the cucumber....

[CamasM3e93]

Eating an entire polar bear liver is said to be toxic due to it containing a fatal amount of iron.

A starving Eskimo comes onto a hunting camp.

"I'm starving, have you got anything I can eat?"

"Well sure, we've got this here polar bear liver but if you eat it it's likely to kill you…."

The Eskimo thought and thought. "Well what do I have to lose. Seeing as how I'm dying from starvation anyway…"

So the Eskimo ate the polar bear liver and he did indeed die. Cause of death: irony poisoning.

[M5Rick]

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

[KRS_SN]

Alice was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Alice was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Alice asked..
"To get my teeth!"

[M5Rick]

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.

[CarsAndGuitars]

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

[3.0L]

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

[KRS_SN]

blonde finds herself in serious trouble. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays, "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE
let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in
order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself.

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

[KRS_SN]

There was a blind man who decided to visit Texas .

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas , he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.

He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas ."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.

Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

"Don't flush, don't flush!"

[KRS_SN]

A mechanic was busy removing the cylinder head from the motor of a car when a well known cardiac surgeon entered his garage.

The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "Doc, look at this engine. I open it's heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So why do I get such a small salary and you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[garyfried]

What is the difference between a circus and house of ill repute. The circus has a cunning array of stunts...

[3.0L]

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT


1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.


2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.


2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.


3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.


2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'


3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'


WEDDINGS


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.


2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.


3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.


4. Though uncomfortable, say 'Yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.


2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.


3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.


4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.


5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle .


6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[M5Rick]

What does a house wear?

Address.

[BMWGUYinCO]

No matter how hard you push the envelope....

...it will still be stationary.

[T0RM3NT]

What's the definition of utter confusion?



Trying to milk a bull.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by T0RM3NT

What's the definition of utter confusion?



Trying to milk a bull.

I agree, it's udder confusion.

[T0RM3NT]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

I agree, it's udder confusion.

Exactly!

[3.0L]

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

[M5Rick]

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

Well,lately he's a real pain in the neck.

[Esteban]

🎶

[Kowalski2011]

Have you heard about the town that legalized marijuana but banned alcohol?

Yeah, they left the residents high and dry!

[vreihen16]

Q: What’s something long and hard that every Polish bride receives on the night of her wedding?

A: A new last name!