| 05-13-2022, 11:10 AM | #375 |
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Colonel
 
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Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
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| 05-13-2022, 11:17 AM | #376 |
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Second Lieutenant
 
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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a real monster.
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| 05-13-2022, 03:00 PM | #377 |
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Colonel
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A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at the snake and says, "how'd you do that?"
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| 05-13-2022, 03:16 PM | #378 |
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Lengthy but not a Girthy Member
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Drives: 1971 Honda Civic
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Riding the high seas of your emotions
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My son told me there was a small get together at the school on Friday. I asked him how small.
He replied, "Just you, me and the principal". |
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| 05-13-2022, 04:54 PM | #379 |
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nikolay435i
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Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
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| 05-13-2022, 05:01 PM | #380 |
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Major General
 
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His wife just gave birth today and, after thanking the doctor, he pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, 'How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?'
He winked at him and said, 'I'm off duty in 10 minutes. Meet me in the parking garage.' |
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| 05-14-2022, 07:12 AM | #381 |
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Captain
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Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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| 05-14-2022, 07:30 AM | #382 | |||
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Quote:
Quote:
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| 05-14-2022, 11:31 AM | #383 |
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General
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How does an ocean say hi? it waves.
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| 05-14-2022, 07:41 PM | #384 |
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Cailín gan eagla.
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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
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| 05-14-2022, 08:17 PM | #385 |
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Colonel
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I just say the new Marvel movies.
It was pretty good, but there were parts that were strange.
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| 05-15-2022, 02:39 PM | #386 |
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Colonel
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Book Titles
Twenty Yards to the Outhouse
by: Willy Makit published by: Betty Wont
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| 05-15-2022, 03:23 PM | #387 |
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Second Lieutenant
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If you ever find yourself being chased by a horde of taxidermists, whatever you do......
....don't play dead. |
| 05-15-2022, 03:44 PM | #388 |
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Captain
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
'elefino.
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| 05-15-2022, 05:53 PM | #389 |
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Did you hear about the pony who had a cough? ?He said "You'l have to excuse me, I'm a little horse today"
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| 05-15-2022, 10:51 PM | #390 |
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A jumbo jet is coming into the London Heathrow Airport on it`s final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom and does his usual announcements but forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation with the co-pilot. Well skipper, watcha you gonna do in London? Asked the co-pilot. Well, first I`m gonna check into the hotel and take a big shit. Then I`m gonna take that new stewardess with the big boobs out for dinner. I`m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and have wild sex with her all night. Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately start looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. The stewardess is at the back of the plane, she`s so embarrassed that she starts to run to get to the cockpit to turn off the intercom. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady`s purse and falls down. The old lady leans over and says; No need to hurry dear. He`s gotta take a shit first. |
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| 05-16-2022, 09:43 PM | #394 |
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Captain
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My first trip to Prague we met with Stan and Ollie, who loved to tell jokes in their broken English. Really fun and funny guys.
One bit that stuck with me (over 20 years) is the airline nicknames: SABENA Such A Bad Experience, Never Again SAS. Same As SABENA Lufthansa Let Us Fu** The Hostess And Next Stewardess Also |
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| 05-17-2022, 03:33 AM | #395 |
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General
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Why did the blue jay get into trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test! |
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| 05-17-2022, 12:05 PM | #396 |
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Colonel
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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.
The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed. Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid. At last, the mathematician awakens, and finds that the embers of the fire are still burning. After giving much thought to the problem, he gets up and lights it up to an actual fire. Then he goes back to sleep, satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.
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