[Express]

http://dontevenreply.com/

[bolinp78]

[CollinsE90]

Haha^ glad I'm not the only one

[Nedim]

Fake invoice one is pretty funny

[Kensta335]

Originally Posted by Nedim

Fake invoice one is pretty funny

The best one since the disguised weapons one.

[335e92tx]

Not bad - mike gets around.

[CollinsE90]

Originally Posted by Kensta335

The best one since the disguised weapons one.

The first time I read the disguised weapons one I almost fell out of my chair

I think radix should start a website doing the same thing

[Express]

hahahah a shot gun in a tissue box that was perfect

[OlivaresAnthony]

"Special" Wife
Posted at: 2009-07-24 00:36:34
Original ad:
I need the help of a drywall expert to repair a large hole in our hallway wall. The hole is about three feet wide. You will need to bring all materials needed, but I will cover the cost. I can send pictures of the hole if requested.

Please respond with availability and a reasonable rate.
From Me to *************@*********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.

I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by?

-Dan

From Brittany ********* to Me

Hi Dan! Thanks for the quick response. Sounds good! I will forward this e-mail to my husband and he'll get back to you ASAP.
Thanks!
Brit

From Bryan ********* to Me
Dan,

My wife sent me your email, but I don't think she actually read/understood what you wrote. If you are serious, then we don't need your help. I hope that isn't how you actually repair things. Regardless, I will tell my wife to actually read the emails before sending them to me.

Regards,

Bryan

From Me to Bryan **********

Good afternoon Brian,

Your wife doesn't sound too smart. I was going to recommend Hooked on Phonics, but she seems to be capable of writing. I think she just does not have the ability to comprehend what she is reading. I have a cousin who is "slow", and there is this really good remedial school in Philly that he went to. They offer some classes that help with reading comprehension. If you want, I can look up the school and send the information to your wife.

- Dan

From Bryan ********* to Me

Heh heh, that might be just what she needs...

From Me to Bryan **********
CC: Brittany *********

Great! I'm forwarding our conversation to your wife, along with the school information.

The name of the school is "Smithbridge School for Special People," and you can call them at (***)-***-2195.

From Bryan ********* to Me

Oh boy...please don't...

From Brittany ********* to Me

What a jerk you are. Excuse me for being busy and quickly browsing through your letter. Go to hell!

From Me to Brittany *********

Brit, you should really consider this school. It might not seem like it, but they actually can help you. It did wonders for my cousin. He used to just stay at home with his aunt all day, but now he has a great job at McDonalds. Please, just give them a call.

-Dan

[OlivaresAnthony]

Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

[MCMLXXXIX]

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=91#comment

[OlivaresAnthony]

I could see Aonarch doing this one:http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=45

[OlivaresAnthony]

Hybrids Suck
Posted at: 2009-06-23 09:18:12
Original ad:
if anyone wants a ride from baltimore to nyc tomorow let me know! i am driving up there sometime tomorow afternoon and would be glad to help someone out if they want to throw up some money for gas. i drive a hybrid, so i wont need much!
From Mike Partlow to *************@*********.org

Hello,

I do need a ride to New York tomorrow. That would be great. My only concern is the fact that you drive a hybrid car. I don't want to give people the idea that I care about the environment. Do you have another, more manly car that we could ride up in? I really don't want to be seen in a hybrid. I'll gladly compensate you for gas.

Mike

From christine ********* to Me

no all i have is my hybrid. what is the big deal, who cares what people think? u should be glad to help the enviroment!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

I'm sorry Christine but it isn't the 60's anymore. People aren't a bunch of earth-saving hippies that run around and hug trees anymore. Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile. My only request is that you stop by a lake somewhere so I can dump a can of motor oil in it, to make up for all of the earth that your car will be saving. Don't worry, I'll pay for the motor oil.
Mike

From christine ********* to Me

wtf is wrong with u! im not giving u a ride ur a jerk!!!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea.

Mike

[OlivaresAnthony]

Original ad:
WE ARE A MOVING COMPANY LOOKING FOR WORK. WILL BE ABLE TO HAUL ANYTHING IN OUR TRUCK WHERE YOU NEED IT
From Timmy Tucker to ********@*********.org

Hi there! I saw your ad about hauling and I would have some work for you. I live in Bedford Hills, and currently do not have a car. I have a regular craving for Taco Bell, however the closest one is in Yorktown Heights. I would be willing to pay you $10 per trip to pick me up 2 cheesy gordita crunches, a steak quesidilla and a pepsi, and haul it to my residence. I'll even tip you with a soft taco if the service is speedy.

Let me know if you are interested.

Thanks!

-Tim

From MOVING to Me
THATS FUNNY YOU NED TO FIND SOMEONE WHO LIVES NEAR YOU WITH A BICYCLE I LIVE IN ASTORIA NY

From Timmy Tucker to MOVING
astoria is not that far, but for your efforts I will offer $15 per trip.

From MOVING to Me
STOP BEING AN ASHOLE OK GO HIRE SOME KID AND TIP HIM YOU $15 THIS IS A MOVING COMPANY

From Timmy Tucker to MOVING

I'm not going to pay some kid on a bike to get my food to me in the freezing cold. I want my food warm, delivered from a professional truck hauling service. What does it matter what you move? How about you put my food in a giant insulated box so you can feel like you are using your F150 to its full hauling potential?

From MOVING to Me
funny i know your not looking for food from taco bell i saw your ad on cl in the labor section before ok.
if you really eat that crap its no wonder your nuts

ye i am gonna spend $20 on gas to make $15 why dont you try hirng a cook or ordering from a place that delivers?

From Timmy Tucker to MOVING
I never posted an ad on there before. and taco bell is suprisingly healthy. i dont want some cook who will spit in my food, and i dont want some delivery guy that will spit in my pizza. i trust taco bell. and $20 for gas? yeah, right. bedford hills is only like 40 miles from astoria. and gas is cheap.

From MOVING to Me

taco bell the cheese isnt even real its plastic yoru better off eating spit
do you know how inexpensive it is to make a taco i make my own tacos are you fat?

From Timmy Tucker to MOVING

that cheese is delicious and authentic. i dont want to make my own taco, i want authentic mexican. where am i supposed to get grade A beef like taco bell anyway? and how the hell am i supposed to know how to make my own taco anyway? what am i, a woman? i didnt realize i was dealing with martha stewart here.

From MOVING to Me

no i think martha stewart is well what she is but you are what you are kinda an idiot do you really think its grade a beef and good cheese because no i think your not even eating that crap?
dont you know what trans fat is? the cheese is plastic i eat there and when it falls on the floor of my truck it dont get moldy like real cheese it gets hard like a piece of plastic. and i can hardly call myself a cook but i try to make basics. opening up a can of beans and heating up a totilla shell isnt martha stewart and who says martha can cook anyways?

From MOVING to Me
listen timmy tucker stupid mother fuck why dont you get yur mom to let her use her bun and put it in there with some mustard and eat it!