Originally Posted by D_o_S
As I have mentioned before, it bewilders me how a general question about an interaction between a man and a woman (often times) leads to "so, have you had sex?". As I have said in one of my posts before, I wasn't (or I am not aware of) asking for help in getting her into bed...
... I was asking for a perspective, a viewpoint on how to behave, on "what is normal", on diplomacy and candor, on how people ought to treat each other. And, in openness, yes, I am interested in her sexually, but it's not the ulterior motive. If it happens, great, if it doesn't it's not like I'll feel deprived of something I was righteous to have.
Some users have chimed in with valuable input - thanks for that, and so, I have given this "issue" some further thought.
It is clear that we are all bound by social constraints, by what society says is or isn't a relationship. By boxes. This "relationship" I describe here clearly does not fall into a box, a box called (and defined by society's standards) a relationship.
On the other hand, this "relationship" that I share with this woman has qualities that, in the average relationship or marriage, are often times not present. From what I have seen, these relationships are two people together for they are used to each other, they have children together, they are afraid to separate... all in all, they are not in a fulfilling relationship. And yes, people in these relationships have sex. And yes, people in these relationships mistreat each other, cheat on each other, sometimes are indifferent to each other. And yet, they say they love each other. Do they?
In "The subtle art of not giving a f**k", it is mentioned that Shakespear's Romeo and Juliet is, in fact, a comedy. I mean, isn't it absurd that two people so much in love kill themselves? Shouldn't love be about wanting the best for the other person, wanting to be the best version of yourself...? But, society has since then started interpreting the play as "deepest love" - look at them, they will even die for each other...
So, what is love? What is a relationship? It's about definitions, and boxes society has created for us.
And hence, what do I share with this woman? I share her ups, her downs, precious moments of intimacy - mental and physical. We talk together about things that stay between us, openly, because we know - we feel - we understand each other. She has brought some of the happiest moments to my life, given me feedback and constructive criticism, moved me on as a person... and I will always be thankful to her for that.
And, in all openness and honesty, I have also done things for her, things I do not do for "friends", because yes, she IS special to me. With her, I feel better than I feel alone. And yes, as others have suggested, I am a bit of a weirdo. I do not think that I am autistic, but I do try to live my life very rationally, to not give in to emotions, to always be constructive and move to the goal at hand - no matter if bullets are flying and people are dying.
And again, in all openness and honesty, I do sometimes go overboard for her. I want to see her happy, I want to see her smile. I do things extraordinary, and yes, I do get a feeling of fulfillment from my accomplishments, however minute they may be in the context of the universe. I want her to feel good with me.
I believe she does feel good, because it's hard to fathom - knowing her, her morals and standards - that she would spend as much time with someone who did not make her feel good. I mean, would you go out with someone 60 times, if they made you feel "ugh"? Would you go on holidays together, would you spend evenings together? If you were just using the other person, then surely, there are easier ways to achieve your goals than spending countless hours together?
And so on the one hand, I receive so much, in essence, happiness. But, I must also contemplate what I don't receive. Sex, clearly. As humans, we are sexual creatures and yes, it's not something I can go without. Not so much from the physical standpoint, I guess, but more so from the perspective of an emotional connection. But, there are much more "serious" things that I don't receive, which are gnawing at me.
Support is one of them. We are all brought up differently, I believe I was given a modest amount of support to be myself by my parents (less so by other people, but I never really cared that much tbh), but, on the other hand, I cannot remember being ridiculed (except one occasion) for my passions by my parents. She, on the other hand, through several statements and actions (or lack thereof) makes, I feel (yes, this is subjective), little effort to support me in anything. I have never heard "Hey, that's great!", "Hey, go and have fun and let me know how it was". When I am happy about something, she doesn't seem to care, doesn't seem to acknowledge that it's a big deal to me, and I want to share it with her. No, she steps it down, says things like "Yeah, call me whenever." or "Come and share this or that sometime". And yes, she does ridicule my choices sometimes "Why would anyone want to do that?". "Why would anyone listen to that?". "I have friends and they are so and so [and you're not, so you're clearly wrong]". As I have mentioned in this thread, there have been several possibilities for her to extend a helping hand - and she volunteered nothing.
In a way, I have friends that have/would have given more. So, roles in a "relationship" - am I to be the man who can always take care of himself? A man who is reliant on himself, and has his woman to take care of?
On the other hand, I am used to offering help without being asked. Maybe... maybe she's the type of person that needs to be included. Maybe she needs me to say "Hey, can you help me with...". And, all in all, this pattern of me being self sustained is not a rare one, I have seen it replayed before me several times - where I am so much of a giver, and receive "nothing" in return.
And, I thought there would be more to it, but I am at a loss for thoughts. What else do I lack between us? I dunno, it all seem to come down to "support", to "being liked". I just don't feel that she feels that I am special to her. I have, to some extent, heard her talk behind my back, and she tells people how great I am... but not so to my face.
And where can I go from here? Firstly, I can give her some feedback, sure - not going back in history, but when a similar situation arises in the future, I'll say "Hey, could you help me with..." I haven't done this before because she has little time for herself, so to speak (busy with work), so I figured "it's not nice bothering her". And from there? I dunno.
And that's all in all what I am contemplating here, I guess.
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